The Smell of HTML

There once was a sergeant named Worts,
Whose interest was mainly in forts;
He thought data was boring, and was fond of imploring,
"Buy some software to make your reports!"

There once was a man in Berlin,
Who always smelled faintly of gin,
When the bureaucrats asked, had he worked in the past,
He said, "Once I did; never agin!"

There once was some big revenue,
Which wasn't reported to you,
Then some time last year, the IRS bent your ear,
Now you've got a prison tattoo!

There once was a boss in LA,
Whose staff knew the right things to say;
When he asked for the data, he was told, "Come back lata,
The formatting could take us all day!"

There once was a fellow named Pat,
Whose revenue curves were all flat,
When told business was slack, the poor man fired back,
"I've got lots of reports showing that!"

One fellow thought HTML
Had kind of an inviting smell;
His friends all said, "Dwight -- it may be that you're right,
But how in the world can you tell?"

There once was a fellow who knowed
All the ways one can program in code;
And if you queried this guy, the best software to buy
For reports, he'd say, "Try this one, yo!"

THE FAIRY TALE

          Once upon a time there was a man who lived in a medium-sized box.  The box had four walls and the walls were covered with a rough grey fabric.  The box wasn't perfectly square, and it wasn't perfectly symmetrical.  One wall was eight feet long, two were six feet long, and the wall opposite from the long one was only five feet long.  The box wasn't really closed because the short wall left a space about three feet wide, and so the man could leave his box any time he wanted, through that space, but most of the time he felt like he wasn't allowed.  If the man stood up, he could see over the top of his box to other boxes where other box-people lived.  Some days the man liked his box a lot.  Other days he didn't.

          On the days the man didn't like the box, he would sit and wish he could be someplace else.  But even when he'd sit and wish with all of his strength, wishing never took him out of the box.  Wishing real hard like that only made the time go more slowly, and then the man really felt like he just didn't like the box very much.

          Then one day a knight in shining armor came by the man's box.  Only, since this story takes place in modern times, it wasn't really a knight and he didn't really have shining armor and, in fact, he didn't come at all, it was his handiwork that appeared on the box-man's computer screen one day (while the man was trying very hard not to do anything productive).  The shining knight who didn't actually come was a programmer, just like the box-man, and he promised to set the box-man free -- at least for a couple hours each afternoon.  

          All the box-man had to do was click a link on his computer, and then he could walk out of the box just about any time he wanted, and nobody would care, because everything that used to be so frustrating and aggravating and slow would be taken care of by the computer.
  

          The box-man didn't like this idea at first, because he knew that computers weren't supposed to improve life but to complicate it, but in the end he gave in and clicked the link.

          This is the link he clicked.

SIMPLE BUT NOT STUPID

          What in the name of all that is sacred is auto-tuning???  Have we progressed to the state as a society where our singers don't even need to sing?  Where tune and tone can soar and plunge at the dragging of a mouse, as a gutter-voiced lovely-faced starlet drones her way into computer-assisted virtuosity?

          Songs used to be fun.  And they used to be sung.  If you hearken back to a time when things actually worked properly without all kinds of manipulation and intervention, simplify your work and simplify your life -- and go back to some of the great old tunes of American music, like the few favorites we've put together here:

• "Happy Music," by Peggy Lee with the Dave Barber Band (first song of collection, also available for download).  "I want to hear some music with a happy beat, just a simple tune so I can tap my feet . . . ." 
• From the brilliant Louis Prima, long-time Vegas entertainer and the voice behind the timeless "I Wanna Be Like You" in Disney's the Jungle Book, we bring you "Tutti Tutti Pizzicato" (7:55 into the collection, also available for download)."
• "Do-do-do-do-do-do it again," by the Four Tunes with the Sid Bass Orchestra (first song of this collection, also available for download), a real toe-tapping, shoulder-wiggling number.
• "Heap Big Smoke, But No Fire," Arthur Godfrey with the Too Fat Trio (at minute 11 of collection, also available for download).  This hilarious send-up of folks who talk the talk and never walk the walk will bring you back to the days of schoolyard banter.  "Him talk a lot, him not so hot -- him big schmo . . . ."
• Slowing things down a ways, "Dem Dry Bones" from the Delta Rythym Boys will take you way back to a different and maybe more spiritual America (download here).
• Getting closer to modern styles, we have the rhythm and blues stylings of Kansas Joe McCoy in the stirring, mournful classic, "When the Levee Breaks" (download here).
• And, finally, my personal favorite, the unforgivably silly "Ain't Gonna Rain No More," popularized by Wendell Hall and here interpreted by Billy Murray and the International Novelty Orchestra (download).

          Buy yourself the free time to explore classic tunes from the good old days of Americana -- or buy time to screw around in the office -- with this-here cutting edge effort-saving workload-reducing efficientifizing software.